I almost killed you, because I wouldn't let my past die first...(part 2)
Eczema (avoiding truth & allowing things to get under your skin)- Before I delivered my son, I dealt with some heavy truths that I did not want to expose. I got pregnant by someone who started out as just a person to have fun with. There was no real attachment on my end, but because I did not want to be a single mother, we ended up being together for the first three years of my child's life. Don't get me wrong, I loved my child's father, but because of the initial situation of just being fun buddies I never gained a true connection with him. I would post photos on Facebook of my "sweet little family" and all of the goodness that came with sharing a child with someone, but most of it was a huge lie. (Note: DO NOT believe everything that you see...especially on social media) When I found out I was pregnant, I began to create my own fairy tale, even if it was a nightmare just to avoid the truth of the matter. That definitely did not work. My buried truth came out in anger and I would lash out about the most simplest things due to disappointment in self and bad choices.
One night a friend and I were at home drinking red wine. I was in such a good mood: laughing with her, dancing, and just enjoying the moment. After about 3 glasses, the last thing I remembered was laughing uncontrollably and waking up the next morning, wondering why my child's father was not next to me. I asked my friend did he mention where he was going, because he was not answering the phone for me that morning....she looked at me in disbelief and shock. She could not believe how dumbfounded I was acting. I asked her what was wrong and she said that I had gotten really intoxicated, and began cursing out my child's father, calling him out of his name, screaming mean things about how much I did not love him, amongst other demeaning verbiage. She said that I told him to leave forever and that I did not want to be with him anymore, because I deserved better. She mentioned trying to cover my mouth and calm me down because he'd done nothing in that moment to receive such cruel words being thrown at him like daggers. The sad part about it was I did not remember any of it. I sat there trying to piece the puzzle together and come to an understanding of how I let that happen, and not be aware of my own actions. My mind was spinning, I knew that mostly everything I said was true whether unconscious or not, but because I was not ready to deal with myself, I blamed it on the alcohol.
What really happened was, every truth that I avoided began to surface in my misbehavior and excessive drinking. I felt like I had an outer body experience that uncovered some deep issues that I still was not ready to face, so I threw the dirt back over the situation with an apology. That was the perfect moment to release the heavy burden of not being in love and only wanting to save face, for the sake of having a child out of wedlock. Unfortunately, I continued to hold on tight to denial like it was my last lifeline. I mean, how in the world do you tell someone you shared special moments with, lived with, and had a child by that it was all one big lie? I could not fathom the thought of hurting him with the painful truth, meanwhile everyone was suffering in the midst of the quiet storm.To my surprise, it came out whether I wanted it to or not...
My child suffered by being diagnosed with eczema. The dark truths I held on to found a way to surface, both in my behavior and in the health of my son. Eczema is a skin condition that causes a person's skin to become itchy, cracked, red, and/or inflamed. Eczema derives from the Greek word, Ekzein, that means, "To boil over or break out." Ironic, right? When I ended the relationship with my son's father, that still was not enough...I had to actually deal with the truth, not escape it. Once I opened up about the things I had been suppressing, I was finally able to help my child heal as well as myself. He no longer has any traces of eczema, nor does he have to take anymore medication for skin inflammation, but I had to do some soul searching for the cure. Doctors say that Eczema has no cure, but I beg to differ, it just has to be cured through internal healing, exposing hidden truths, and not allowing your thoughts, actions, and judgements from others get under your skin...literally.
Oftentimes our actions are a result of the very things that we hide within our minds, thinking that it will go away. Sadly, we end up hurting ourselves and those around us. The very things we try to bury, display in our personalities, hobbies, sicknesses, words, and actions. Have you ever wondered why you do the things you do? Hobbies don't always link to our true personality, sometimes we find things to occupy our minds from the reality we are not yet ready to face. We as parents or future parents often say that we won't allow our children to experience some of the painful things we had to experience growing up. On the contrary, we unconsciously do so by holding on to those painful past experiences that we vow to protect our children from. The best thing you can do to end detrimental cycles are to expose them from the core no matter how vulnerable, open, and naked it makes you feel. Start by writing it out, and then get the courage to help someone else by sharing it. Don't be a slave to secrets, because what you think you're hiding is actually more visible than you realize. What are some things you know you need to release in order to become whole? Who are you hiding it from and why? Is it worth your health? Life? Child's life? Identity? These are the things I had to consider when I journeyed through the research of the "whys" behind my son's ailments.
The last, but most impactful illness that my child suffered from on my behalf was speech delay. Who knew that silence from my own childhood could form a disability in someone else's childhood....(to be continued)
~Peace & Freedom~
One night a friend and I were at home drinking red wine. I was in such a good mood: laughing with her, dancing, and just enjoying the moment. After about 3 glasses, the last thing I remembered was laughing uncontrollably and waking up the next morning, wondering why my child's father was not next to me. I asked my friend did he mention where he was going, because he was not answering the phone for me that morning....she looked at me in disbelief and shock. She could not believe how dumbfounded I was acting. I asked her what was wrong and she said that I had gotten really intoxicated, and began cursing out my child's father, calling him out of his name, screaming mean things about how much I did not love him, amongst other demeaning verbiage. She said that I told him to leave forever and that I did not want to be with him anymore, because I deserved better. She mentioned trying to cover my mouth and calm me down because he'd done nothing in that moment to receive such cruel words being thrown at him like daggers. The sad part about it was I did not remember any of it. I sat there trying to piece the puzzle together and come to an understanding of how I let that happen, and not be aware of my own actions. My mind was spinning, I knew that mostly everything I said was true whether unconscious or not, but because I was not ready to deal with myself, I blamed it on the alcohol.
What really happened was, every truth that I avoided began to surface in my misbehavior and excessive drinking. I felt like I had an outer body experience that uncovered some deep issues that I still was not ready to face, so I threw the dirt back over the situation with an apology. That was the perfect moment to release the heavy burden of not being in love and only wanting to save face, for the sake of having a child out of wedlock. Unfortunately, I continued to hold on tight to denial like it was my last lifeline. I mean, how in the world do you tell someone you shared special moments with, lived with, and had a child by that it was all one big lie? I could not fathom the thought of hurting him with the painful truth, meanwhile everyone was suffering in the midst of the quiet storm.To my surprise, it came out whether I wanted it to or not...
My child suffered by being diagnosed with eczema. The dark truths I held on to found a way to surface, both in my behavior and in the health of my son. Eczema is a skin condition that causes a person's skin to become itchy, cracked, red, and/or inflamed. Eczema derives from the Greek word, Ekzein, that means, "To boil over or break out." Ironic, right? When I ended the relationship with my son's father, that still was not enough...I had to actually deal with the truth, not escape it. Once I opened up about the things I had been suppressing, I was finally able to help my child heal as well as myself. He no longer has any traces of eczema, nor does he have to take anymore medication for skin inflammation, but I had to do some soul searching for the cure. Doctors say that Eczema has no cure, but I beg to differ, it just has to be cured through internal healing, exposing hidden truths, and not allowing your thoughts, actions, and judgements from others get under your skin...literally.
Oftentimes our actions are a result of the very things that we hide within our minds, thinking that it will go away. Sadly, we end up hurting ourselves and those around us. The very things we try to bury, display in our personalities, hobbies, sicknesses, words, and actions. Have you ever wondered why you do the things you do? Hobbies don't always link to our true personality, sometimes we find things to occupy our minds from the reality we are not yet ready to face. We as parents or future parents often say that we won't allow our children to experience some of the painful things we had to experience growing up. On the contrary, we unconsciously do so by holding on to those painful past experiences that we vow to protect our children from. The best thing you can do to end detrimental cycles are to expose them from the core no matter how vulnerable, open, and naked it makes you feel. Start by writing it out, and then get the courage to help someone else by sharing it. Don't be a slave to secrets, because what you think you're hiding is actually more visible than you realize. What are some things you know you need to release in order to become whole? Who are you hiding it from and why? Is it worth your health? Life? Child's life? Identity? These are the things I had to consider when I journeyed through the research of the "whys" behind my son's ailments.
The last, but most impactful illness that my child suffered from on my behalf was speech delay. Who knew that silence from my own childhood could form a disability in someone else's childhood....(to be continued)
~Peace & Freedom~
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