I almost killed you, because I wouldn't let my past die first...(part 1)

When things in nature are produced, it is determined by the seeds and roots in which they are formed from. In order to understand what your family tree is producing you have to get to, "the root of the matter." You know how the saying goes, "The apple does not fall too far from the tree...." 

This subject tears me up so bad on the inside, because I know that I was the reason my child suffered from health issues at an early age. Because of the decisions I made, before he was even thought of, he had to bare the fruit of them....

 In this process of becoming whole, I had been praying to God, asking him for clarity on things in my life. Well, I did not know he would lead me in this direction. In the midst of gaining clarity I realized that I had planted some bad seeds into my child. It was not until I saw him healing that it alarmed me to dig deeper into the matter....

I know someone who has a condition that is deemed incurable, but I noticed that the person does not have the side effects from the illness that they were diagnosed with. I truly believe that every physical element is aligned with a spiritual one as well. I began to research the spiritual causes of the illness my friend has, noticing that it was caused from buried emotions of feeling unwanted...sounds crazy right? Well the reality is, that was the very thing that my friend suffered with as a child. As I pondered on the situation, I thought of all the things my baby was born with, that ironically, he no longer suffers from. He was developmentally delayed with speech, he had eczema, and had really bad breathing issues, but he now has no critical signs of any of these things. As I thought about this, my curiosity began to climax, so I started to research articles on spiritual and physical development alignment. That's when I realized that I had planted every sickness and delay that  my child suffered, from the roots that weren't dug up from my past. It was not until I started to heal as a person, that my child began to heal from the things he suffered from....

Asthma (emotional issues)- It was the year of 2013, that I almost killed my child. It was 3 a.m. Monday morning, I tossed and turned, trying to get as much sleep as I could before my 5 a.m. alarm went off for work. I heard a cough from my son's room, nothing deviant from his normal cough. Then I heard it again, still nothing out of the ordinary, but I had the motherly instinct to go and check on him anyhow. As I went to check on my 2-year-old, who seemed to be peacefully sleeping, I noticed that his heart was racing as if he had been running a marathon. I picked him up, laid him in my bed with his dad and I hoping to go back to sleep for a couple of hours. I closed my eyes for a second, only to hear what sounded like a train whistle coming from my baby boy's mouth. Every breath he took was followed by a deep stomach spasm and a strong wheeze. 

I immediately threw on clothes and took him to the nearest emergency room. When we got there he was admitted immediately, and given treatment after treatment to restore air in his lungs...but nothing was working. They had to take him by ambulance to the Children's hospital to be admitted, because the nurse referenced his breathing as someone trying to gain oxygen from a straw. When we got to the Children's hospital, they could not admit him into a regular room, and he had to spend hours in their ER because his breathing pattern would not stabilize. I was devastated! I thought I was going to lose my baby boy. I prayed and cried out to God. I felt helpless, wanting nothing more than to give him every ounce of oxygen I had in my body. After a couple of days he was released to go home, and was given an inhaler as well as a Nebulizer to stabilize his breathing at home. I went through an emotional breakdown for months, thinking to myself, "What if I never woke up in the middle of the night? Would I have found my child dead the next morning? The devil was toying with my mind, and I could not sleep at night for a while, scared that I may not have a child when I woke up.

You're probably wondering, "Why do you think it was your fault he could not breath?" Well, the spiritual facet within Asthma is that it occurs when someone has problems dealing with their emotions and externalizing their feelings. Asthma is a physical attribute of your soul experiencing profound traumatic emotional shock, causing suffocation or difficulty breathing...

When I was pregnant with my son, I was emotionless. I knew how I felt on the inside, but I did not know how to express it, so I suppressed it. I felt like it was the worse mistake I had ever made when I realized that I would become a mother in 7 and a half months. I had just transferred back home from Albany State University to Augusta State University, and I was not expecting to be in such a predicament. Everyone was so excited about the situation, so I projected false happiness, because that is what you're supposed to do right?...

 Deep down I knew I was not ready to be a mom, because I  had so much life left to live, but I suppressed that feeling, thinking if I bury it, the emotions of not wanting to be a mother would go away. Everyday I had to think happy thoughts about the situation, otherwise I would just sit in disgust at myself for making such an adult decision at the prime age of 21 years old. When my close friends would ask me how I felt about it, I would just say I wasn't sure yet, and that when the baby got here I would know how I felt then. When strangers asked me, I always said I was anxious and excited. That was the dirt I used to cover the seed of negative emotions about being pregnant at a young age, before I could get married, and be this great person I knew I was destined to be. It was unbeknownst to me that the seed I thought I was hiding would soon rise above the dirt and surface physically in my child. 

The longer I took to expose that horrible truth, the worse his breathing got. It even showed in the way I treated him for a while. I could not find a connection with my son, because the regret was so built up, but I did not know that it stemmed from my suppression of emotions during my pregnancy. I was grateful that his dad spent a lot of time with him, because as much as I loved and adored my beautiful baby boy, it was hard for me to accept that he was my child. It was not until I sat on my couch with my cousin and my friend earlier last year that I opened up about it, cried, shouted, and screamed about every thought that consumed my mind. After releasing what had been buried so deep, I felt the heaviness become lifted off, and I viewed life much differently. I appreciated things about my son, I never even noticed, and I loved on him and realized that he is the very reason I am striving for excellence. He was the gift I never opened, because it was not wrapped the way I thought it should be. When I chose to view him as a gift and not a curse, healing occurred for me...as well as him! It has been a year and a half since my son has gone without having to be taken to the ER for his breathing, and it has been a year and a half since I gained healing from those dark emotions. Had I not gained clarity on my inner issues, my child could still be suffering from something that he inherently gained, because of my shortcomings and secrets. The key to healing is to strip away any masks that allow you to hide from the truth, because the fact of the matter is, buried seeds grow in the darkest places. Shine light on the situations that hinders you and your child(ren) from being healthy in all aspects. 

For those of you who have children, try to understand the habits, ways, illnesses, ailments, and shortcomings of your past in order to create a better future mentally, physically, and spiritually for your children. For those who have not experienced parenthood yet, take this time to rid yourself of any toxic, inner ailments that could be detrimental to your physical seed. Don't think about where to start, just begin. Take a moment to understand your patterns, and there is where the answer will lie. 

My son suffered from eczema and speech delay as well, when I found out the spiritual causes that linked to my own personal issues, my mouth dropped, I sank my head, and began to write...(to be continued)

~Peace and Freedom~