I almost killed you, because I wouldn't let my past die first...(part 3)

Our molecular DNA defines our physical traits from the sizes of our noses, the color of our eyes, to even the finest pieces of hair on our bodies. So what contributes to our constant life patterns that mold our personalities, preferences, and decisions? Spiritual DNA. There is a spiritual and physical alignment that occurs in our lives, but in order to understand anything about either realm, we have to do some background history that links our stories to its eve.  Understand that the things you have not healed from can and will surface into the spiritual DNA of your seed. Life is symbolized as a circle, because of its constant cycles of birth and death. Knowing that things have to die in order for life to form, helped me to understand that in order for me to gain healing I had to kill past hurt, pain, mistakes, and regrets in order to birth new life. Because when cycles are not broken they just recycle on to the next life...in my situation, that life happened to be my child's....

Speech Delay (disconnection to those around, speaking/thinking angry and bitter words;criticism)- I am a secretive person by nature, I never really like to reveal too much of myself, But, as I began my journey of healing I now realize it stems from old childhood behaviors. The internal battles I suffered, surfaced long after I found my voice, but the way the issues debuted were so unexpected. I suffered silently as a child, because I never knew how to deal with my feelings. My dad, who was once active in my life, began to distance himself, especially after he met this new woman who I felt, at the time, flipped my world upside down. It made me feel angry on the inside. I would have what I considered "silent spasms". I would have these random thoughts and get really angry, and because I did not know how to communicate my anger, I would bite myself as hard as I could bear,because it brought me a sense of relief. It was my form of self-soothing aka self-harm. Sometimes when I needed to get a lot of anger out, I would bite into a pillow for long periods of time and scream inside of it. When people upset me, I would think of ways to harm them, but they would not know it, because I was really good at hiding my emotions, meanwhile I was an angry child with a sweet face. I would even act out by doing harmful things to those around me...

I remember laying on the top bunk of the beds my sister and I shared in our room. My oldest cousin was watching TV at the bottom bunk, and I was playing with clear nail polish. As I was playing with the polish, I remember taking it and pouring it from the bottle into my cousin's eye. I heard her screaming in agony, but I just laid there on the top bunk as she ran to the bathroom to wash her eye out...

It was the night before our school picture day, and I remember being upset about something, too vague to remember now. I took my sister's glasses and carved a hole in her lens, and she was forced to wear them like that to take pictures...(my mom still has the photo)

I remember visiting my dad and his girlfriend one weekend and she took me to Big Lots with her while my dad stayed home. As she was checking out, I wandered to another aisle, and decided to steal what was closest to me (a piece of gum, and a pack of tissue). My dad's girlfriend heard me rattling paper in the back seat of the car and asked me what I had in my hand. I was busted, but I did not stop there. When we got back home, she told my dad and he began to fuss at me. I was already upset, because I felt like I had to share him with not only his girlfriend but their new baby. As I left his presence, packing to go home, because he no longer wanted to deal with me for what I had done, I remember conjuring up something evil to do. As I was walking out the front door, I took the stolen gum out of my mouth that I had been chewing and I smeared it into their carpet and walked out the door. I was a dark child, and found pleasure in harming others, even myself. This was all due to me not being able to express myself about things that hurt me.

As I got older, I found my voice...and it was a loud and obnoxious one. I held so much in for so long, when someone even looked at me wrong, I would "express myself" and let them know what was on my mind. I used my voice that I finally gained, but not in a useful way. I would curse people out, say whatever came to my mind, and I did not care how it made others feel. At that time, I did not know how to use my freedom of speech. I was just happy to be at a point where I was using my voice. I wanted to say what I wanted to say to people before they tried to shut me up, like I use to be. I was so fearful of going back to a place of dark thoughts that I would spew them out like bullets, not caring whose heart was pierced. I became detrimental to my friendships and relationships because of it, so I had to find a way to fix it.

My biggest escape from reality were books. I chose books over anything. I'll never forget being in Walmart with my god-dad and I picked up a $14 book and some snacks. He told me because the book was so expensive I had to choose between the book and the candy, I chose the book. I would sit for hours and read, then I would rewrite the book on paper. I became obsessed with reading, because it gave me access to worlds beyond my own. I thank God for giving me another coping mechanism besides biting myself to ease the anger. I would always imagine myself in the books I read and I would take on the role of the characters, and this really helped me to find peace. That is where my love for reading began...God really does make all things work for our good. The pain led me to my destiny of teaching students. I have such a love and passion for learning, and reading because those are the very things that helped me to escape turmoil. The positive, optimistic, encouraging person that everyone sees now, is not who I use to be. But hope began to surface as I found things to nurture the goodness in me, while still maintaining a voice...although I was gaining peace, it was temporal, because I had not healed from the past, but only covered it with a bandage in the form of reading.

Because of it, my son was brought into this world speechless, literally. What's funny is the day he was born, he was really alert. I remember him constantly moving his tongue as if he were trying to identify this foreign object. I know babies do things like that, but it was a constant thing that made me suspicious. I remember thinking he would have a lisp, but it ended up being speech delay. I recall my baby boy literally babbling noises so confidently, but no words were forming. I use to cry so much during that time, thinking my child would be handicapped and labeled as someone with a disability for the rest of his life. Not only did he have speech delay, his therapist observed him in his class and realized he had social anxieties. She told me that when everyone gathered around the carpet for circle time, he would run to a corner, and isolate himself. When we would go to family gatherings, he would cry when we got around crowds, even if it was his family. He had to endure all of this, because of things I failed to deal with from my past. His lack of speech and failure to properly express himself in social settings were the mirror-image of what I dealt with during my adolescent years, that he had to suffer through, because of my failure to forgive and let go completely.

I had to deal with the very thing that had me angry all those years, my issues with my father. It was not until 2016 that I decided to bury the hatchet that heavily weighed down my progress of growing up the inner child in me. So, I wrote my dad a letter. With every stroke of my pen, every sentence, every tear, I began to gain healing. I wish I could share the letter, but after writing it, I read it aloud, and burned it. I had to let the hurt go, in order to undo the damage I had done to my legacy. Now, my child speaks really well, and has a really good vocabulary. He is very insightful and expressive, and it makes my heart smile to know that he does not have to suffer anymore. What's funny is my child was born a day before my dad...ironic right?

I had to release what was, and learn to let go of my pain by identifying the root of the cause. Was it easy? No, but it was worth it. I now feel confident bringing another child in this world, knowing that I can identify my mishaps and fix them instead of allowing them to surface on their own and in the worst ways. Don't let bitterness destroy your legacy by making them suffer from your past hurt and pain. The worst thing you can do to yourself and those around you is to smile knowing you are crying inside. Forgiveness is the best gift you can give yourself. It comes in many forms, you do not have to always confront the actual person. Instead, it can be written or talked about to someone that can be confided in. Imagine the heaviest physical weight you have had to carry, and that's what you should compare your issues to. Free your inner-child from bondage, in order to live life to your fullest potential. Difficult does not mean impossible. Love yourself, but know that God loves you even more...beyond your faults.

~Peace and Freedom