Who Do You Think You Are?...Unconscious Reflections

Before anyone told you who you were, who do you think you were? Self reflection is often the opposite of the word "self", because what people usually reflect is how others view them. One of the hardest battles I have fought when dealing with self-image is being told I act like someone I never wanted to be like. As humans, we tend to look at people and automatically assume that the person we see is who we get. We judge others off of appearance, not knowing anything about the person initially, I, myself am guilty of doing that....until the day I realized how horrible it felt to be judged on my outer appearance....

As a group of friends and I sat and ate Sunday dinner together, we were discussing what our initial thoughts were of each other. A couple of them turned to me and told me, upon meeting me they thought I was uppity and unapproachable. I was shocked, appalled, and slightly upset that they would think such a thing about me. I had to check myself and figure out why they thought that way about me, and why I became so offended by it. I knew because of the way I responded, that the problem stemmed deeper than the light-hearted conversation of first impressions...

I had to pray and reflect on what could have made me so upset about them making an honest comment on how they felt about me, upon seeing me. Then it dawned on me, that they were viewing the broken little girl who showed up in my adulthood....

 I grew up with barely enough to get by, my mom did the best she could to provide for my siblings and I, but I watched her struggle a lot. I knew I wanted more out of life than to just make ends meet, so I decided at a young age to fake it until I make it. I would try my best to look the part in order for people to not know that  my family was struggling. I remember being in 8th grade, and all of my friends were going to the last dance of the year at school. This boy I was dating wanted me to go, so I said yes. My mom gave me permission to go, but when I looked in my closet I realized I did not have any "cool" clothes and most of the clothes I had were school uniforms. I sat by my closet and cried, because I did not want to be the only one wearing what I had on in school that day, so I skipped the dance. I did not want to wear hand-me-downs, and I knew my mom did not have the money to buy me a new outfit. In high school I would always wear black, because it was easy to wear the same thing more than one time a week and get away with it. I found ways to fit in, so I would not stand out in a way that would negatively affect my "self-image". 

I started working at the age of 15 bagging groceries at Winn Dixie so I could have money to buy nice things. I would spend every weekend working in order to get money, because I wanted more than the bare minimum. I thought that how I looked on the outside would cover up the issues I dealt with on the inside, but they leaked out into my relationships...

One thing I noticed about the people I dated were their similar comments about me. I would often hear, "You're not who I thought you were when I first saw you." They would see this beautiful, shy, and sweet-looking girl thinking she would be the perfect girlfriend, but they did not know I had issues with self-esteem until they got to know me deeper than my surface. I thought they would always leave at the sight of trouble, because I did not live up to their "reality" of me. In actuality it was my own false image that I portrayed, that made them feel they were getting less than they bargained for. I was insecure, and it showed by my paranoia of them leaving me for someone else, I would compare myself to others, devaluing myself while putting up this mask like I had such confidence. I just knew deep down that if I looked like I had it all together, it would automatically happen, but I was failing to do the work. I knew I was destined for greatness and able to be the best person I could be, but I was going about it the wrong way. The very thing that I tried to portray at a young age finally came back to haunt me years later.... 

 One thing about the past is that you have to face it or it will haunt you! After graduating college, I was finally at a place of humbleness. I was never the type to brag about my accomplishments, and I took pride in knowing that I was able to accomplish my goals in a modest way. But the image I was portraying for so long was still stuck to me. For years I have been told, "you look like you have it all together." I have had people get extremely upset with me and the first thing they would say is, "You think you're better than people." I was unsure where in the hell these comments were coming from, because I hated that people thought that I thought I was perfect. Men became intimidated by me, and thought that they had to be all put together in order to get to know me (which wasn't really a bad thing) but I had to realize I created that monster. I wondered what I could do to look more "not put together" so I won't be judged, but that was not the answer. I just had to face my past demons in order to be who I really am. 

I had to figure out who I genuinely was and what I truly thought about myself in order to allow for people to see me for who I am. So, I went to talk to that little girl from 8th grade that resided in me, and this is what I told her:

Little Ash, 

You needed your breakthrough, now it's time to grow up and walk into your purpose. Today is the day to build yourself up and let your soul purpose reign over how society may view you. You have a lot of power in you that needs to be tapped into. Fear cannot reside inside of you. Today, find every reason to smile, love, hope, enjoy, and embrace every situation you will encounter throughout life. You are a warrior princess, a beautiful flower that has been planted by God in a soil of everlasting growth and redemption. You are energetic, you are happy, you are made whole, you are valuable, you are confident, you are prosperous, you are prepared! I love you, but God loves you more. You are growing, and I am enjoying the progress.

Next time you look at yourself in the mirror, make sure the person staring back at you is who you truly are. False images do not make our lives better, it just makes it harder for people to know who we are authentically. When you are truly who you are called to be, your light will shine through from your internal authenticity instead of through brokenness from past experiences.

~Peace and Freedom~