Is There Ever Really True Healing?
There are two prevalent childhood memories that began the growth stunt of my inner-child. I remember them like they happened yesterday. I was in a cold room with plain white walls, waiting...I didn't know what I was waiting for, but my mom and I just sat there...waiting. Then a lady in a lab coat came in, and my mom asked me to sit in her lap and turn my head away from the lady in the lab coat. I did as I was told, only to feel the sharp pain of a needle piercing my skin. The lady in the white lab coat was drawing my blood...for a DNA test. My dad did not believe I was his and my mom had to give him proof. My dad had been very active in my life, but something created a drastic change. I am still unsure why he denied me after being an active father, but he did. I remember my mom talking on the phone with someone days later. I overheard her say, "I told his a** he was the damn daddy, had me go down there for nothing."...but it wasn't until I got older, and made poor decisions in my attempt to make guys "stay" that I was able to link the doctor's office visit and the phone call.....
I was in fifth grade, 10 years old, and I participated on a step team. All of us were arguing about who would ride with the favorite coach, because there was not enough room for us all to fit. I chose to ride in the other coach's car, because I did not want to keep fighting for the last seat, and I ended up being the only girl riding in the other car. We were headed to Applebee's and when we sat down I noticed that no one would talk to me. The girls had plotted on the ride to the restaurant to ignore me. When I asked them what they were eating, no one responded they just looked at each other and snickered. When our food came, I asked them to pass the condiments, still no response. As a 10-year-old child, how do you handle that? After what felt like an hour of this, I became emotionally overwhelmed and broke down crying. When they realized how much they had hurt me by ignoring me, they apologized, but the damage was already done.
As an adult these past events affected my way of thinking. I would get into relationships with people, Figure out what the person liked in a relationship, and try my hardest to emulate it, so I could never disappoint them. That never worked because it meant losing myself, so I would always fall short from not being able to maintain. I was afraid to join a sorority, because I was fearful of being rejected by a group of girls again. I would always show interest, but when it was time to actually start, I would go through mental battles, and find a way to not go through with it. I did not want to be rejected. I despised the feeling so much that it made me sick to my stomach.
What made me want to dig deeper to stop this feeling of rejection, was knowing that it had the potential to trickle down my bloodline, to my child. I remember driving down interstate 20 after meeting up with my ex (then boyfriend) thinking we were going on a date like normal, but only to be told that he wanted to end our relationship, after discussing marriage for over a month, he being the initiator. As I drove what felt like the drive of shame, I remember thinking about my child, and not wanting him to feel this horrible, gory, feeling that held my mindset captive. At that moment I literally screamed out loud, and cried so hard, I was helplessly drained. Then I had an epiphany. The thoughts that flooded my mind like a nightmare were the incidents that occurred...at the doctor's office...at Applebee's. I NEEDED to heal from these particular situations to save myself and my child.
After discovering the root, and going through the healing process, I thought I would never feel rejection again. HA! That was the worst lie I told myself. I had to understand how life really worked physically and spiritually. In life, we may physically trip, fall, and injure ourselves several times throughout, but not at the same place, in the same way. We treat the injury accordingly, in hopes not to encounter it again, but if we do, we now know how to treat it or where to get medical help. We also know that all wounds heal differently and at different times. The bigger the wounds, the longer the healing process. Oftentimes, when we have a situation where we need medical attention, there can sometimes be another underlying issue that is discovered that also needs to be treated as well.
It is the same when dealing with inner healing. The people and situations will not be the same, but when you heal from the first situation, you know how to better handle the next ones. The deeper the issues the longer the healing process. Sometimes when you go through the process of healing, another deeply rooted issue that hid behind the one discovered can arise, and will need to be healed as well.
Letters are the start, but when the inner wounds are deep, I suggest speaking with a pastor, counselor, friend, or relative to release even more...but the letters help you start the release.
Below is the very first letter I wrote to that little girl who made her presence known during my ride home:
Little Ash,
It’s so much I want you to
know. But first let me start by saying, I love and support you! I am in your
corner, fighting for you and with you. Majority of your life you have
never understood why you did not fit in and why you felt so out of place. God
had to separate you in order to do a greater work in you. You are unique and
favored by God. There have been many times you felt mistreated, abused, unloved,
and misunderstood. You have always been counted out, but God was counting you
in. You have been talented since the day you were born. Even though you know your dad at some point did not want you, you have a purpose
in this world, and your existence is extremely important. There is a destiny
here for you, and there are people in your corner who believe in you. The most
important person, who is vital to your success, is you! Believe in you! God has
given you great gifts of Faith, never forget that. I love you, but God loves
you more.
Let those inner scars be war wounds that represent your success in the fight to grow up the broken child that awaits healing. ~Peace and Freedom~
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