Death to all Family Secrets...They are the Root of Generational Curses!

"Until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, alcohol, drugs, work, cigarettes, and sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them." -Iyanla Vanzant

I never felt weighed down by generational cycles until I turned 27. I honestly felt like I was breaking cycles in my family by being the first to obtain my Masters degree, and ending the cycle of school drop-out. My mom dropped out in the eleventh grade, so being able to break that chain for generations to come was very empowering. I felt like I could defeat any obstacle after that! Little did I know, there were some deeper roots awaiting exposure. Like the saying goes, "When it rains, it pours!" A few months after obtaining my Masters, I did not realize that a monstrous demon would await me. I created a habit of getting education to bandage the pain from my past. I got my Bachelor's Degree and 3 weeks later I was signed up for courses to get my Masters. It wasn't until I was no longer consumed with schoolwork and focusing on getting degrees, that I realized I was hiding my pain with the bandage of school. When the bandage was ripped off, all hell broke loose...literally.  In the summer of 2016, I fell into a deep state of depression and felt weighed down with life. I began to feel worthless, empty, unloved, and stagnant. You're probably wondering...How did she get in such a bad place? I wondered the same thing before doing some deep soul searching. 

Prior to this, I had an unsettling urge to run away from my life. I did not want to just go on vacation, I wanted to leave everything and everyone behind. I felt like a horrible mom, because I never felt like anything I did for my son was ever good enough. I felt like he loved his father more, no matter how much I sacrificed. My current relationship was going really bad. I felt like I was going through the motions, and that I had to walk on pins and needles to prevent from disappointing my mate. I would wear such a big smile, but I was filled with dark thoughts on the inside. I would drink bottles of wine in one sitting and take shots to no avail to ease the pain, but it was all temporal. I would lash out in anger when I got intoxicated, and not remember any of it the next day. My friends would make me aware of my behavior, but I never learned from it, because I never witnessed it firsthand...but what my soul was crying out about in my drunkenness, exposed itself in a much more crucial way, that I would never forget...... 

So, one day I was lying in bed crying, trying to pray, but I could not form the words. I was having mental battles, and the dark thoughts were overcoming me. I just wanted to sleep hoping it would all go away. I found some sleeping meds in the medicine cabinet and took as much as I thought would help me sleep for a while. I was hoping that when I woke up, the thought of wanting to take my life would disappear, not fully knowing that what I was overdosing on to put me to sleep could do it eternally. I had been talking to my best friend, and she felt uneasy about the things I had been telling her that day, so she called my mate to check on me. By the time they found me...it was too late. I had taken many different medicines. I was rushed to the hospital and placed in the suicidal area under 24-hour watch. 

I remember lying there feeling more helpless than I did before I made such a thoughtless decision. I was drowsy from the meds, but I could remember thinking, it can only go up from here. I played "Rise Up" by Andra Day for hours trying to fight the negative thoughts that were steadily consuming my mind. I cried...and cried...and cried...until there were no more tears left to produce. 

How could such a beautiful, smart, outgoing, kind, and funny person go through that? When the roots from generational mistakes begin to manifest in your life, it creates generational punishment. I had to unravel the cycle, by revisiting things that I seen occur in my life as a child in order to begin breaking the curse. I started to remember seeing my mom cry when I was younger, but never understood why. I would see her sit in bed and cry, but as a child I just figured my mom was sad. Growing up I would watch my mom drink alcohol and when she was too consumed with it, she would cry and begin to tell my siblings and I how she feels like she failed us and how she was not a great mom to us. As I began to replay those memories in my head, I realized that was me all over again. I had to end it, and fast! 

I began to break the cycle by doing what most people refuse to do....seek counseling. I went to 1-hour sessions once a week, and in each session, I began to learn more about my past hurt, and how it was showing up in my life, by the habits I had formed. I even found out I was molested, but because it was something normal I had experienced as a kid, I did not know that, that's what it was. I broke down crying, not knowing that something so horrible had become a norm from my childhood, so it was not deemed deviant behavior in my mind...until it was exposed. I was unaware that I was being molested, because at the time I did not know that was a thing. I then realized where my sexual appetite stemmed from. Everything I thought was normal, began to feel so uncomfortable, and I realized that I had to become an entirely new person in order to become my authentic self, and not the person I was raised as....and yes! There is definitely a difference between becoming who you are and who you were raised to be.

Through my healing process I began to feel those urges to want to overindulge in alcohol and sex to ease the pain of my past, and this is the letter I wrote to that little girl:

Little Ash,

You are progressing really well. I see that you are trusting God more and allowing his plan to take place in your life. God thank you for showing up in Ashley's life, and maturing her properly. The tests and trials will come, that is apart of growing up. You will experience growing pains, but know that you have the tools to overcome each one successfully. I love you girl, but God loves you more!

As you think about your generational curses that could be affecting you or someone in your family, start by looking within. Oftentimes, the habits that we have created in our lives show signs of pain we are unaware that we are hiding in order to not deal with them. I had to learn that there is absolutely no one on this Earth I can create change in, but myself! Anyone else has to be willing and not pressured. So look within yourself for answers to be able to put the puzzle pieces together in order to gain freedom for your family. When you realize that it is much bigger than you, and that it can affect generations to come, you will feel more apt to getting the job done. Repeat this to yourself, "The change I want to see, must first begin in me." I hope this helps you begin your journey to healing that child inside of you, and break those generational cycles that are holding that child in bondage. 

~Peace and Freedom~